It is easy to dismiss these two ordinary looking people as just everyday hometown folks. Little does the general public know to what extent they will go to inflict pain on unsuspecting individuals. I will use their undercover names to protect the guilty…Jerry The Spoke (known to some as MR Buff) and Hali The Hammer.
On Tuesday and Thursday mornings at 6:15am when the sun has not yet made its way above the horizon, I am drawn to the Wellness center for reasons I cannot identify, to be tortured, twisted and bent in ways I did not believe were possible… by The Spoke. Believe it or not I am not the only one there. There are at least 7 others whose names I will not divulge for obvious reasons.
During these grueling sessions The Spoke will call out, “Does that feel good?” or “Now, that’s a real good pain!” or “That’s the kind of burn I like!” The Spoke has no concept of time or the number system. He will say things like, “Give me 10 more seconds” and go on for 2 minutes, all the time calling out, “Now that feels good!” and other half crazed comments. When he counts down he will say 10, 9, 8, 9, 8, 10, 7 … with no apparent rhyme or reason to his system. About the time you are ready to lay down and die he says, “Give me ten more”. Ten more what? I do not even know what ten is anymore thanks to The Spokes counting system. I am approaching the vegetable state.
Even more deceptive is his shorter cohort, Hali The Hammer. With calves the size of Arnold Swartzenager,
she will take you through a full hour of “Peddle faster, stand up, sit down, turn up the tension, turn down the tension.” I may start calling her Sister Hali…from my old days in Catholic school…or maybe Sergeant Pain.
I think I am being trained for some covert mission…sort of like a sleeper cell or something. I know that I have been brainwashed by some secret method. Maybe it’s through the TV at the Wellness center or it is something they put in the air system. Oh Know, I just realized, I drank the water. Why else would I get up at 5:30 am and go work out?
Anyway, I think it is my civic duty to warn people of these suspicious people living in our midst. If you go to the Wellness center wear a mask over your mouth and do not watch the TV! Oh yeah, don’t drink the water!